My friend took his life recently…
This year, a few of my friends have taken their lives.
So I went back to Eugene for the memorial and it was like I had never left…not in the good kinda way people!
No offense to all my friends there, but what the fuck happened….
YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP DOING COCAINE AT SOME POINT!
We are getting way to fucking old!
Candidly….
I used to do a bunch of cocaine…like a LOT…lot lot lot lot lot….a fucking lot…times 11.
I didn’t start till I was like 27 with my first husband, but man….I dove right in. Looking back, I am sure this was a MASSIVE factor in the breakdown of my first marriage…but when you are so in it…you just can’t see it.
My Cocaine use got so bad, I did stuff I am really not proud of..like really bad stuff…I even cooked the coke into crack and smoked it for a little over 2 weeks…
I remember pulling out of my dealer's driveway and looking into my rear view mirror and just looking at myself and thinking how utterly disappointed my parents would be in me and the Mom guilt that my Mom had been pushing on me for so many years came crashing down on me.
I knew at that moment, I had to change.
Over the next few months I began to realize I had to move…so back home to San Francisco I went. The mom guilt wasn’t strong enough for me to stop hovering cocaine..
In fact when I moved back to the city I turned into full party mode and kept on rocking.
But my body wouldn’t let me.
During my 2 week crackhead phase, I got psoriasis…bad…all over my body. And for years I struggled with it…I still do.
It was like my body telling me NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. (I in no way mean that everyone who has psoriasis smokes crack….this is just what happened to me, personally.)
As I learned more about my skin condition, the most obvious thing was, the cleaner I lived my life…the less psoriasis I would have.
But addiction is callus…
How you think you are having a good time is a banana pants thing to learn how to change…and I struggled for a couple years to find what makes me happy…
I am pretty sure for awhile, I was known as a girl who usually always had Blow on me…and other things.
Because if you are doing a lot of cocaine, you are probably doing other drugs.
During my Party Animal Years: one of the drugs I was introduced to was DMT…kinda at the height of my partying…and I really enjoyed it and it actually made me want to stop doing cocaine.
I did smoke way too much DMT…but as I did I slowly stopped doing everything else.
The cocaine was too much with the DMT…Nitrous in the beginning was a lot of fun to mix it up… but then I started to become actually aware of how my skin started to tingle if I did nitrous.
In fact to this day, when my skin starts to tingle I know that I am too stressed or have been drinking too much or something that I need to chill…I am beyond aware of that tingle.
And then one day, about 11ish years ago, I just stopped doing cocaine.
Around that time I stopped doing Nitrous as well… (for the most part, I hate to say it, but once in a blue moon after a show, I may sit down and enjoy a rare balloon to just quiet my mind)
And I did coke once about 9 years ago, in my defense it was with a member of the Grateful Dead and a member of The Rolling Stones and I thought if there was time to do coke, that was my time!
But I can honestly say that I haven’t touched the stuff since then…or much of anything…
I remember my last time doing DMT years ago…
They came and talked to me…and They said I have seen what I need to see and that I didn’t need to do more…I needed to focus on the reality that was in front of me…I had seen enough of the other planes…
(if you have done any DMT then you know who “they” are.)
Since that trip, I just drink and smoke weed…sometimes I go through phases…
I more often than not, water down my drinks… and really try to not drink alone and to only drink while eating…I do smoke pot but I am acutely aware that this habit is something I need to break and am working on it or at least trying to…
I can’t even really do psychedelics anymore…
I really have seen what I need to have seen.
And powered drugs…I just stay as far away from those as possible….
Thank god I never got into pills….
I am writing this because I recently visited Eugene where my cocaine use started…and I saw a lot of old friends and a lot of them were still doing cocaine.
Many of them had not evolved and were still in the same situation they were in 15 years ago…
and I mean this with all the love and respect a friend can say…a lot of them looked a lot worse (or I am just aging amazingly!).
I tried to tell a couple how amazing life is when they give up cocaine…
We after all were at a memorial for a man that killed himself in part because of his addiction to cocaine.
But addiction is a path we tend to walk alone.
Not everyone has the privilege of mom guilt.
I just hope my friends realize how good life can be when you shift.
When you cope with the reality and not try to drown in pond of flawed google eyes that JUST DON'T MAKE SENSE
I am so glad I stopped doing cocaine before they started putting fentanyl in it, that would be CRAZY!!! I would be dead.
But I am here, and if anything, really proud of the choices that I made, because they gave me the life I have today…
and this reality…is way better than any high any drug could have given me.
Sunny Thought/ Stolen from a Friend...
My Husband asked one of our friends why he didn't do Cocaine anymore and his response was.
"I want to believe people when they tell me they LOVE me."
