I am Burnt Out:

I haven’t stopped going… for a long time.

I owned my first business when I was 23-28, right out of college. It was a fine dining restaurant so  I really didn’t have a day off then, I just worked.

When I lost the business in the 08 crash…I had to work numerous jobs to try to hold my shit together.

There was a moment where I couldn’t find a job for like 2 weeks…that was weird not to work.

When I moved back home to San Francisco in late 2009, I realized quickly that if I didn’t want to live on my parents' bottom floor for the rest of my life, I needed to work my butt off.

So I got like 6 jobs, and moved out of my parents house…into my studio in the Tenderloin.

Now I didn't get paid for 3 of my jobs, but I got to go to concerts for free and get extra tickets, so for me, the jobs I didn’t get paid for, fueled my social life…

I don’t remember days off…and wtf is a weekend?

When I managed the shop, I didn’t give myself a day off, there was never really a chance to and I didn’t understand the meaning of needing to rest.

Then I purchased the shop, and if you own a small business then you understand…you don’t really get days off.

I took a few vacations, but there never a “recovery day” it was just back to the grind.

Recently I stopped even traveling…the pandemic changed so much.

Life has changed so much since the pandemic…I know I haven’t recovered for that, I know the fear and pain of that time still lingers and maybe/ probably is…a huge part of what I am dealing with now.

This last month I hired a manager at the shop, my first ever…in an attempt to have some time to rest and do everything else I need to do (because I also started a non-profit and another company…because…I wanted to, but also because I have this weird need to always keep going.)

The truth is:  I am burnt out.

I have so much to do but recently have just been so unmotivated, so tired, so paralyzed in exhaustion that I can’t move forward and I have started to feel stagnate in my life…which to me, is crippling.

I don’t even know how to take a day off.  I just sit in bed/ on the couch and smoke weed and watch TV.  I don’t “do” stuff, I don’t know how…I only know how to work…and it is sad as fuck.

I want to be creative, go out, explore the city, hang out with my friends, grow my relationship…but to be frank, I don’t know how anymore.

I feel like I am in quicksand.

I have forgotten how to live…how to enjoy…I just know the grind.

I have put so much before “me” for so long, that I have forgotten how to enjoy “me.”

I ain’t getting younger, and I have worked SO HARD, for SO LONG that I deserve to enjoy. 

The rainbow is so beautiful, why am I not basking in it.

Reality Check: I have the best job ever, I get to play with colors and support my community and artists, I should only enjoy what I do…I need to snap out of this and start to live again.

And for me, the first way to enjoy it is to do the things I have yearned to do for so long that I haven’t gotten a chance to…

Like Writing.

So here I am, taking a chance, trying to break the cycle, trying to enjoy…to live…to be…me.

Maybe if I get more than one day off every two weeks I will do more than just sit still…

I am hopeful that my creativity will start to evolve again.

I pray I can accomplish the things I want to accomplish.

I now truly understand you need time to decompress…and I may need longer because I have gone without it for so long.

But I have faith…in me..in the future…in it all.

One step at a time, we move forward.

Sunshine Thought of the Week:

I can’t help everyone.  I can’t change people.

The only person I can change is myself.

My habits, my reactions, my actions…but in changing myself, I can improve my life.